I feel like I have been holding my breath lately… as if I’m waiting for things to get better… but they don’t.
I’ve realized that it’s not my breath I’m holding back, but my tears.
Somedays, I feel like I can handle the pain of losing my grandpa so suddenly, out of the blue. But other days, when the tears feel locked up inside a beating, bursting heart, they’re bound to fly loose sooner or later.
And that sooner or later is now, right now.
I’ve lost one of my role models… one of the few people who has been with me throughout my entire life and never once left. Never once said goodbye, until now.
Maybe I’ll never be the same as I was before. How could I? I have a huge piece of my heart already home in Heaven.
But maybe I will be the same as I used to be… when these locked up tears find their way….. make their way down the pink of my cheeks… leaving their wet, streaky marks right where they belong: out of my heart and into the open.
Maybe I’ll be the same as I used to be… but not yet.
Have you ever lost someone and wondered how the whole world moves on, keeps going, like nothing has changed, nothing has left? How does this broken, shattered world seem so filled and complete?… when mine has crumbled catastrophically and will probably take a while to be pieced back together.
How does the world move on so quickly when I can’t seem to stop the tears from coming, climbing their way down the pink of my cheeks?
How can someone even look at me, think of me, and not see the deep, hurting hole in the palm of my heart?
I guess that’s what hurts about love. We love and love and love until someday, it leaves.
Death is inevitable. We will all experience death some way or another, but why does it hurt so badly?
One of my very best friends in the whole world shared a Youtube video with me on disappointment and hurt. I will link it below, it is a Bethel Worship song titled, “Catch the Wind.”
The first time I watched this, tears flowed. They fell, and it was sooooo needed. (Something about me: I fully believe in feeling all my emotions. I love crying when I need to cry, I love laughing when I need to laugh, even if the atmospheres I am in don’t exactly accept the two.)
Something God spoke to me about amidst this video was this: “Your faithfulness will never let me down. I’m confident I’ll see Your goodness, now.”
Jesus’ faithfulness. Something I have never quite thought much about until this past month.
“In my distress, I called to the Lord, and he answered me.”
When I hurt, Jesus also hurts for me.
Jesus looks down and weeps because I weep (John 11:35).
He truly hurts when He sees His people hurt.
And that’s the greatest thing about Love… Love is Jesus. Jesus is Love.
Without His Love, my lungs wouldn’t be breathing, my heart wouldn’t be beating.
Without His love, I would be sitting in the puddle my continuous tears have made: without Hope, without Help, without Healing.
Without His love, I wouldn’t know love. I wouldn’t have the capacity to hurt this bad, because I wouldn’t love my Grandpa as much as I do, as much as I always will.
I’ve learned that love does not always equal happiness.
Sometimes, love equals hurt.
And that is okay because Jesus is always making a way. He is the Way.
So, this is for you if you find yourself in a season of grief. I want to remind you that you are not alone. I also want to remind you that Jesus has a much different timeline than we do and it is okay to trust Him in that, actually, He wants us to. He wants our full guards let down, all vulnerability thrown out the window and into His arms. He wants your whole heart so He can make you whole. Follow His Way… His path He is perfectly paving for you…. And He will.
Jesus says: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”